Sep.17 The Pain Talk

The pain is here, inside my stomach I feel the all of m stomach expanding, contracting; the cells fighting for space, oxygen, rights to exist.

I feel the stinging sensation, one cells dies for the lack of whatever and another gets a little more chance of survival.

Its a survival fight. One that I have for a long times regarded as normal.

Still probably am today.

Stomach pain due to eating too much.

It is not the first time I have had such pain. The pain must have slowly built up, yet fora while , I was able to turn of the censor in my brain, magically, turing it off. SO that the pain wasn’t perceived as pain. It was n’t a signal of warning. it becomes something NORMAL.

NORMALIZED PAIN.

How long has it been accompanying my life? Long enough for me to not remember the beginning of it.

The only tingI know is that everytime it comes, it signals something. Something igger htan the pain .

Because I no longer feel the less painful pain, the pain that I do feel are so strong, and so bad, that it has to mean something.

Like, something is awfully wrong.

Maybe it is my psych, my amazing ability to ignore pain signals. or my helpless need to use food as ways to cope iwth things I don’t want to do, feelings I don’t wnat to feel. IAt least I am eating, at lest if the food is tasty, its bearable. IT doen’t even have to be tasty, it just need to be something. Something is happening in my mouth, in my digestive track, in my belly; Even though I may not even be able to feel it or sense it; Even though it is pain.

At least it is NOT as painful as —> That.

That which i do not even consciously know what it is but I want to avoid ti so much that I could endure pain.

The NORMALIZED PAIN.

THE BEARABLE PAIN.

THE FELT AND UNFELT PAIN.

PAIN.

It sucks, but at least there is pain.

Sometimes I want to say it is pathetic. To know that I hve such a painful relationship with food.

Sometimes I can transform this relationship into something divine and beautiful.

Other times it reminds me how “weak” and “not in control” I am.

but hten I am like, who are “YOU” to judge?

who is this mental build up psyche talk highly engineered by the society ?

And who am I, who is this subject that is constantly exposed to the most cruel judgement?

Maybe the pain is about this twisted relationship. May be the pain is about me becoming conscious of the pain, and face it, in such a way that is acceptance, and peace.

Maybe I don’t have to binge, or purge to stay doing things I don’t like.

Maybe for one time I could not care about how others may think or feel and just BE FUCKING ME, and not having to eat to comply.

Eating has become cricked thing for me, it’s kinda pathetic.

But at the same time, isn’t at this precious moment where empathy and self-love is built?

——Typing without looking. Here are my inner words. Unedited. Untouched. RAW.

Sep 13. Connecting with Pachamama through Food.

I began today with the intention to mindfully connect with my true self.

I chose to not have breakfast in the hostel for just the free food. I chose to consume food consciously.

For building a real authentic connect to food, life , and other beings on earth. I chose to both respect myself, my body, and the food.

I dot not eat for merely eating, nor do I eat for the sake of consumption.

I eat for the connection to beautiful mother earth, for the beautiful transformation of energy through one form to another.

Thus with gratitude, y mucho amor, I eat, and continue to love a beautiful life as a thread weaver intrinsic on this beautiful planet. 

❤︎

Aug 27. 11th hour

Swirling, sweating, and sliding on the ecstatic dance floor,

I dropped into a deep meditative mode. 

The pieces full moon combined with the inner red flow of my body has led to a particularly intuitive, emotional, and transformative week.

As I sit in various position on the newly oiled shiny floor, watching the crowd loose itself like the however many times I lost myself in it, I realized,

it's my 11th hour in Seattle now.

 

Time truly flies by. Time is truly illusional, deceptive, yet deeply beautiful.

To the transformative universal energy that consists, penetrates, and surrounds us.

 

Aug 1. The hole of inspiration

When I tell myself: there is nothing I have to do today.

A tiny little crack in my heart and being opens up.

Small little elves and tiny little creatures climb out,

freshly covered in morning dew.

Coming out from the whole of deep inner inspiration,

the world now looks completely different.

❤︎

I love living from a place of being inspired.

Be a deliberate allower,

and let life flow.

❤︎

Jun 29. What is freedom.

Freedom exist in the moment between silent and sound

Between movement and stillness,

A fraction fo section where everything stops,

And all that you can fee lis the energy, the millions and thousands of small particles moving bumping siding ,glowing, negotiating space and moving in and out of, up and down of, through hand besides of one another.

Negotiating this thing that we call existence.

 

Freedom exists in the moment between existence and disappearance

The fleeing moment.

The flee.

The freedom.

April 29. The Public Face

As I connect deeply with my fellow humans and earthlings over the past week, it has became clear to me that I wear a "public face" in group settings.

Friday night I was in a show, feelings so excited and inspired, I went to greet the dancer and full-on want to tell them how grateful and mesmerized I was by their beautiful creation. However the crowd of equally excited people full of laughers and big big wide open smiles intimidated me. I felt unable to talk and out of place.

Fast forwards Monday night, I attended ecstatic dance, one of my favorite place to be as a human being in Seattle. In a room full of amazing human beings, I found myself desiring and hard to start really talking/connecting with "someone". I smile at them, and they smile back. And I walked away. That's most of it.

Then there are others times, countless times when I am in the studio, dancing among the most talented and inspiring young artists yet finding myself unable to connect with any one of them, or just feel comfortable in the group setting.(3 or 5 or 7 people or plus?)

It has been really troubling me. It also troubles me that I can hardly put words on what it is. Is it weird group dynamic that has been throwing me off? Is it communication issues? Or is it simply that I am having limiting beliefs about how I should/others would behave in a group that has limited me in those settings?

Even just thinking about these created several deep creases between my eye brows.

I know that I am "good" at public speaking. I am usually characterized as a good "leader", even a charismatic one. I know that I am usually perceived as friendly and easy going on the first encounter. Yet most of the people, or the relationship between me and those people, never went beyond that first stage. 

I feel like I wear this "public face" on me, whenever I am in "public", or groups- nice, friendly, but distant. For most of the people whom I eventually got to know, it is always through one- on-one chat, over a long period of time.(an hour plus)

I long to connect with more of the amazing souls, I wonder how I learnt to and have been wearing this mask; I wonder how it has served me, and inhibited me; I wonder if I can learn to recognize it, direct it, and eventually, master over it, so that I do not feel like inhibited any more.

I long the genuine connections with all of the beautiful human beings on earth,

Right now, I am just doing it on the vibrational level, and that is ok too.

 

April 27. He had to die everyday for her to live.

"He had to die everyday for her to live." - Black Bois

Every time we time to my body, we build new relationships. We are like caterpillars getting born and reborn over and over again.

Our old bodies, pain bodies have to die over, and over again, for us to live like we were just freshly born once and once again. 

So that we can walk through the walls with the innocence of the new born, and live our lives despite the tragedies and ugliness of the world.

I wish to die to my body, over and over again. To see my flesh peel off my bones, my blood running like rivers; to feel suck deep into the bones, till I get a taste of all the marrow of life; to witness the change, happening day in and day out, in, out, and through me.

To live, is to die.

What a beautiful message.

 

April 21. Technology and art

Today I had a great conversation with a beautiful artist.

We are both beings interested in healing, especially using art as medium to transform our lives and the lives of others.

When I asked her how she works with others, aka attracts client, she simply recognized that most, if not all of her clients came through social media.

Then she said "I realized that we, artist, must look at technologies as tools." 

It was so simple, yet powerful. We must use technologies as tools, and not be dominated by it. Facebook, Instagram, Youtube.... these are not bad things by nature. The reason why we feel locked up, stressed out and confused by them, is more likely because we are not using them in ways that suits each of us as individuals. Some of us may do well with social media, daily posting and feel enjoyment through the work, others may only be able to tolerate a small amount of information before feeling overloaded while others may do the best without social media at all.

The point is, if we really start to see them as "tools", then what we really need to do is to figure out what is the bigger purpose that these tools are helping us achieving. Be it attracting audiences, storing information, or no purpose at all. With the clarity of the bigger purpose, I think artists can find a better sense of clarity and control when it comes to interacting with social media and allow social media to help us achieve things that truly matters.

 

April 20. Simplifying life.

It has come to my realization that I am really interested in simplifying my life.

For what this requires me firstly become really clear on what is important. And the clarity that accompanies such realizations is just so amazing. Wouldn't I want to be at a place where I know what is important and what's not?

I have been working hard on acquiring this clarity. Spending a lot of time in solitude, pondering, reading books, trying out new routines, organizing things. What all of these came down to are 2 things: live = trial and error, reflection.

With the willingness to live, learn, take risks, and fail, I learn to expand my horizon and gather pieces of information on life; with reflection, it becomes clear to me what matters and what doesn't.

An Artist should have more and more of less and less.
— Marina Abramović

Get over the FOMO.

It's so important.

 

Today I was to go to watch a ballet show that is reviewed by many colleges and peers whom I respect as racist and a bad interpretation and representation of rape. I felt my inner calling to boycott this show, while I sensed the fear of missing out, again, on an "important" ballet show. Then I asked myself "to whom is this important?" It was clear, not me. Because I d rather spend this time caring my beaten up body from a long day, a long week of work, meditate, connect with people whom I care and write these important blogs.

I have been watching video interviews on Marina Abramoviç.  She gives me so much inspiration, and faith. In her, I see the hope and future of humanity, a new way of living.

If I ever live beyond my 70s, I wish to live like her.

FearLESS.

❤︎

 

April 15. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

Honestly, we all have been too much f*cks about everything that's going on around us. 

Think about what is the last thing you complained?(out- loud or in your head ) Isn't it something as small and trivial as your roommate's noise level or the attitude/ facial expression someone else displayed around you? Do those things really matter that much to take up the limited, vital energy and time in our life?

The answer is probably NO.

So yes, I have been doing a quite comprehensive article reviews on several of the most popular productivity/career advice/self-help books to help me build a clear idea on the larger picture of my life: what is my mission? how do I get there? what do I need to focus on year-long wise, month-long wise, weekly, daily, hourly, in order to get there?

(Plug in: interesting finding after reading about 10+ of the most popular/best selling books on these topic is that they all have similar suggested paths, each with their own individual word choices and interpretations. what doe this mean? It means that I have came up with my own INTEGRATED NOTES on this topic, which I would like to share sometime later on this blog. If you are interested in finding out the common shred shared by the top 15 NYTBS(New York Time Best Seller) authors on the topic of building a meaningful career life, stay tuned! )

And the first thing, ladies and gentlemen, is to SIMPLY your life. 

Not Giving too much F*ck on what really doesn't matter that much to your life.


There is no point looking for an easy life, one without adversity. The only way you’ll get ahead is to find a goal that you want to struggle for. However, it’s equally important to say no to all the struggles and tasks that don’t bring you joy. Be ruthless and stop chasing the things in life that don’t make you happy. Concentrate on the few great things – and don’t give a fuck about everything else
— Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

April 13. The joy of seeing and being seen.

Today I danced on the red square of UW. It was an interesting, somewhat transformational experience.

As my dance evolved from being inside my clothing, to connecting with the ground, to taking off my socks and feel the cold, to seeing the sun above me, water beneath me and people around me, I felt I was like a onion slowly peeling off my layers of jacket.

The process of which stings my eye and makes me “cry”.

Not literally.

But it was really interesting.

Was the softies and most delicious inner part of me exposed? I am not sure, But what I know is the joy that I felt in the process, of connecting, penetrating through the layers of perceived boundaries and realize the boudlessness from within.

 

...Exploration to be continued!

April 11. On being political

For a long time I have shied away from any political. The topic felt too hot, too burning, too dangerous to touch. But more than anything, it felt too personal for me.

Four years ago in one of my anthropology class, I came into term that nothing is apolitical. Really, nothing. And most of us are afraid to face that truth, including me. We’d rather walk around with this fake mask and blurred gaze, pretending to not see what we are seeing.

Yes, I have been living like this for a while. And don’t get me wrong, it is not “painless” at all.

I guess what I felt is this lack of clarity, the clarity of what it is that I am thinking, standing for and wanting to act upon; the lack of courage to be willing to expose and dispose myself, the deepest fears and sorrows; and the lack of agency, to even have the space in my head and in my life to contemplate on this.

Luckily some things have changed over time, stillness and awareness are bringing in new light. It is my hope that one day my soul will come back from its exile, so tha I could feel whole, empowered, and enabled to act and face my politicality, again.

That is the world I want to see coming.