The pain is here, inside my stomach I feel the all of m stomach expanding, contracting; the cells fighting for space, oxygen, rights to exist.
I feel the stinging sensation, one cells dies for the lack of whatever and another gets a little more chance of survival.
Its a survival fight. One that I have for a long times regarded as normal.
Still probably am today.
Stomach pain due to eating too much.
It is not the first time I have had such pain. The pain must have slowly built up, yet fora while , I was able to turn of the censor in my brain, magically, turing it off. SO that the pain wasn’t perceived as pain. It was n’t a signal of warning. it becomes something NORMAL.
How long has it been accompanying my life? Long enough for me to not remember the beginning of it.
The only tingI know is that everytime it comes, it signals something. Something igger htan the pain .
Because I no longer feel the less painful pain, the pain that I do feel are so strong, and so bad, that it has to mean something.
Like, something is awfully wrong.
Maybe it is my psych, my amazing ability to ignore pain signals. or my helpless need to use food as ways to cope iwth things I don’t want to do, feelings I don’t wnat to feel. IAt least I am eating, at lest if the food is tasty, its bearable. IT doen’t even have to be tasty, it just need to be something. Something is happening in my mouth, in my digestive track, in my belly; Even though I may not even be able to feel it or sense it; Even though it is pain.
At least it is NOT as painful as —> That.
That which i do not even consciously know what it is but I want to avoid ti so much that I could endure pain.
The NORMALIZED PAIN.
THE BEARABLE PAIN.
THE FELT AND UNFELT PAIN.
It sucks, but at least there is pain.
Sometimes I want to say it is pathetic. To know that I hve such a painful relationship with food.
Sometimes I can transform this relationship into something divine and beautiful.
Other times it reminds me how “weak” and “not in control” I am.
but hten I am like, who are “YOU” to judge?
who is this mental build up psyche talk highly engineered by the society ?
And who am I, who is this subject that is constantly exposed to the most cruel judgement?
Maybe the pain is about this twisted relationship. May be the pain is about me becoming conscious of the pain, and face it, in such a way that is acceptance, and peace.
Maybe I don’t have to binge, or purge to stay doing things I don’t like.
Maybe for one time I could not care about how others may think or feel and just BE FUCKING ME, and not having to eat to comply.
Eating has become cricked thing for me, it’s kinda pathetic.
But at the same time, isn’t at this precious moment where empathy and self-love is built?
——Typing without looking. Here are my inner words. Unedited. Untouched. RAW.